styles aff styles oan

Project Management for Dummies

17th October 2019

Me: This website will take about 40 hours to build

Marketing: 40 hours? That seems rather excessive

Me: Not really. Think of it this way: I spend four hours a day building, and at the end of two weeks, you have a website

Marketing: So what will you be doing the other three hours a day?

Me: Getting interrupted by things like this conversation

Thought for the Day - Pin it!

17th October 2019

Remember: Any old shite in a nice font can successfully manipulate your feelings!

hard at eork

17th October 2019

type a bunch of shit like you're being really diligent abou t some shit hat you're really concentration in doint tipe too hard or it's like you'renbeing too tryhard and it's too obviousl when is this person goig to leave the room

Talking Heads

15th October 2019

My new magic button

8th October 2019

This link returns a random Wikipedia entry

Language Barrier

4th October 2019

A couple of weeks ago I was on holiday in Menorca, where they speak Catalan. I learned that what we in the Anglophone world usually think of as 'Spanish' is, more accurately, Castillian, and the Catalan speakers don't distinguish between 'Català' and 'Español'. Rather they distinguish between 'Català' and 'Castellano', I guess because the point is that they're both Español, they're both Spanish languages. I heard a tour guide asking some Spanish tourists if they'd prefer him to speak 'Castellano o Inglés'. The woman replied quite impatiently 'Inglés, Inglés'. I think she didn't like having to acknowledge Català. An attitude with a long pedigree: when Catalonia lost its autonomy in 1714, the central government ruled that Castellano would be the official language, and Català wasn't really revived until the 19th Century. Then in the 20th Century, under Franco, Català was banned from all schools, publications and broadcasts and was not to be spoken outside of private spaces. Instead, all were to speak 'the language of the empire'. Everyone was to be the same. That's fascism for you. So they're proud of their language, having worked hard to preserve it against the odds.

So although you can still use Castellano to communicate (as the people speak both, and as that's the one they teach in Scottish and English schools), they're often pleased to hear you speak Català to them: you may not know much but even acknowledging the difference with a word or two can get really nice reactions. I picked up how to say 'Bon dia' - or 'good morning' - from a friendly builder who was working at the apartments where we were staying and took to saying it to whoever I met. As I say, some of the locals seemed to appreciate this.

Then I said it to a woman who was staying at the same apartments, on holiday from some other part of Spain. She seemed a bit of a snooty type but said 'Hola' to me one morning and I responded 'Hola, bon dia'. She gave me a haughty look and annunciated the words 'buenos días' back to me in a pointed sort of way. She was making the point that she was from a part of Spain where they didn't speak Català.

On the other hand, she was currently in a part of Spain where they do speak it, so she was being a bit arsey in my opinion. A bit like if an English person came to Scotland and corrected someone for saying 'aye' instead of 'yes'. After all, she knew what I meant. I didn't give away any reaction, but later on, when she didn't notice the wind blowing her towel towards the pool, I didn't alert her and watched it blow into the water. Cow.

This is you

24th September 2019

This is so you right now

What 3 Words

16th August 2019




Positive Words

1st August 2019

Today I feel better than yesterday.
Tomorrow I will feel better than today.
The day after that I'll feel great, if I keep on making the right choices.
The day after that, I might feel extremely angry about something. Probably will.
In that case I'll choose the middle road of assertiveness to address it like I've done before.
Assertive is in the middle between submissive on one side and agressive on the other.
Agressiveness shows self respect but none for others.
Submissiveness shows respect for others but none for oneself.
Assertiveness treats all concerned with the respect they deserve.
Self-harm and self-respect are incompatible.
No progress can be made until I treat my body and mind with respect.
Without that I'll be a submissive doormat, jerking suddenly into aggression from time to time, when a limit has been reached.
I must remember that my feelings matter as much as other people's.


No Date

Risk is a matter for the uncertain.

Will is the key to life. It either eludes you or rules you.

Prejudice is Ignorance on wheels.

You can't grow if you keep cutting yourself off at the knees.

Idiots do more damage than vandals.

You loved me as a drunk but now you're worried that I just might be sober.

What I think about this Straight Pride Parade

6th June 2019

For a start, it's not part of the gay pride agenda to make straight people feel ashamed.

The gay (les/bi/trans/etc) pride movement sought/seeks to redress a balance. A minority group that had been discriminated against because of the way they were, and thus became a disadvantaged underclass who, culturally, were made to feel that they should be ashamed of who they were, and should hide their true selves for the satisfaction of a undiscriminated-against, undisadvantaged, prejudiced majority.

Pride says, no we will not be shamed, we are proud of who we are. It raises awareness and builds acceptance of a group of people who have been maligned, but who as a group mean no harm.

Straight pride is an attempt to neutralise this, by a group that has never been shamed for who they are, who have never, as a group, been discriminated against or disadvantaged. It's not 'equal time', it's not a fair, balancing gesture. It seeks to undo the progress made by Pride and restore the disadvantage suffered by the gay/les/bi/trans/etc group.

It's the establishment mimicking the disadvantaged groups' efforts to achieve fairness, in the attempt to deny them fairness by insisting on further unfairness than already exists.

The UK 'independence' movement appropriated a lot of the rhetoric of the Scottish independence movement, and in doing so has somewhat cheapened the latter through illegitimate association. But they're not the same. For one thing, the nationalism of the colonised is clearly not the same as the nationalism of the coloniser. For another, Britain (to me 'Britain' and 'England' are interchangeable terms, by the way) is not a colony of the European Union, it's an equal partner. Scotland is not an equal partner in Britain-England, it's a disadvantaged colony that didn't want to be colonised.

Being an independent country and an equal partner in the EU would show Scotland fairness that it does not see by being part of the UK.

Thought: did the UK 'independence' movement gain momentum by convincing English people (hardly anyone in Scotland wants it) that they were a disadvantaged, discriminated-against minority?

Some terms & definitions, updated

15th May 2019

A 'local' is a person who doesn't feel the need to monetize the fact that they live in a particular place.

A 'conservative' is a person who fears change. Any change, in general. The whole concept.

A 'portmanteau' is a way of referring to something while obfuscating its meaning; e.g. 'Antifa', 'Brexit'.

'Prejudice': Ignorance on wheels.

'Geek': 1. Someone who truly and sincerely believes that preocccupation with trivial minutiae is intellectually elevating and life-enriching. 2. A pain in the arse.

Animation No.5

10th May 2019

Still lots of stuff I don't understand, it's frustratingly unpredictable what the effect of things is going to be. In the case of this it seems to change its mind what part of the object to relate absolute-position to. Also animation-direction doesn't seem to work in the way tutorials predict that it will.Spectrum

Update: I realised something, if you set the animation-direction to 'alternate' it is supposed to play forwards once then backwards once. BUT this counts as two iterations so if you haven't set the animation-iteration-count, and set it to something higher than 1, it just goes forwards and then sticks. Got this sort of working how I wanted it now.

Update update: Nup this is doing my fucking nut in.

Animation No.4

10th May 2019

An example closer to what I was trying to do with number 3, i.e. an infinitely repeating, rhythmic transition. I've tinkered with it a bit but still need to get a better understanding of it. Pulse 2

Animation No.3

10th May 2019


Bi-daily Animation No.2

9th May 2019

This is an exercise from a tutorial that I've fucked around with a bit: Circles

Animation A Day No.1

7th May 2019

I'm learning CSS3 animation, here is my first project.

What should the title of this be?

12th April 2019

So I'm going to be dead some time between the next couple of seconds and the next, say, forty years. At some point in that range. So how the fuck am I sitting here, where I am right now? Being taken for granted, like I should think myself lucky to be sitting here.

I've been in this place before, and my experience says it will lead to short-term bad luck. Like I need someone else to force the situation before change can happen for me. So what can I learn from experience? How to navigate my way out of this sticking point without fallout? How do I use my past experience of this type of thing to bring about long-term, positive change without a short-term crisis resulting? How to jump squares on the board as I've always done, but this time, with my experience and maturity, to do it with grace and agility, and less pain, than the clumsy break-and-fix calamities of the past.

I should know how to instigate change constructively, rather than instigating disaster thus having change forced on me. Like there is a belief fairly solidly built inside me that I'm not qualified to make my own decisions. I know pretty clearly where that comes from.

Things I Wish I Could Time-Travel Back To Childhood To Say To My Dad

25th May 2018

List of Possible Cat Names

25th May 2018

the forestry commission

25th May 2018

the forestry commission moved all the trees around
so i couldn't get my bearings or see anything I recognised
so i asked these 2 guys on mountain bikes if they could tell me where I was
he answered my question with a question he said where do you want to get to
home i lied
and he gave me a bum steer and sent me miles away through woods and bogs and jaggy gorse
my bike sank to the top of its wheels with me on it
night began to fall and the trail began to fade
and now home seemed to be where I wanted to be after all
i pulled out myself and bike and began to fight through the undergrowth
15 more minutes and one last gate to climb and I was back on a road I knew
Just wait till I get my hands on that guy who was too
stubborn to answer my question
and just wait till I get my hands on the Forestry Commission

Wee Davie and the Face Flannel

5th April 2018

I had a twenty-odd-year flashback just there. When I was at uni there was this wee guy called Davie. One day he was reminiscing about the first time he went away overnight on a school trip and a joke came up about how your ma always put a face flannel in your bag but it was never used.

It was then asserted by wee Davie that this was in case you had a shite while away and there was no toilet paper. In that event you could wipe your arse on your face flannel and that was why your ma gave you it.

I don't remember the whole story but I do remember him seemingly being very convinced that he was correct about this.

I wish I could remember the full details of his rationale for this, because I want to know:

I don't suppose I'll ever know the answers to these questions as I'm not in contact with him any more, he was a wee dick.

A thing to remember

14th Feb 2018

what a thing to remember after so long. when i was so young and daft i actually mistook your intelligence for wisdom. but then again, so did you.

Some terms & definitions

8th Feb 2018

A 'local' is a person who doesn't feel the need to monetize the fact that they live in a particular place.

A 'conservative' is a person who fears change. Any change, in general. The whole concept.

A 'portmanteau' is a way of referring to something while obfuscating its meaning; e.g. 'Antifa', 'Brexit'.

'Prejudice': Ignorance on wheels.

things to do around Glasgow

7th Feb 2018

eat at Guy's as many times as possible
stroll around the area where you lived, watch sikhs playing cricket
freaks in kelvingrove park competing in eccentricity
pine for virginia galleries
drive around, narrating histories
while displaying expertise over the one-way system
find granny & grampa's grave
get an archaeology lesson from Liam
find out what sort of mood A is in & find out if you're in the mood to entertain it
give croftfoot the wide bodyswerve, while we're on the subject
hear bands at king tut's, the art school, stereo, sleazy's, st luke's, and a hundred others
experience a fish supper as fast food once again
at last a proper museum or two
wonder what it would be like to belong here
stroll through the university cloisters, wonder where they've put the philosophy department
fantasize about a holiday flat
along the river, notice new buildings
enjoy the easiest subway system in the world
wonder why and how

Early Man

6th Feb 2018

So getting up early is supposed to make you more productive and healthy and shite but I've discovered that there's a point of earliness beyond which you're just wasting time. I was up at 5 today, due at work at 9. During that time I drove my brother-in-law to the airport, picked up some bacon from the supermarket on the way back home, got showered and dressed, had a first breakfast of bacon sandwich and espresso, made my lunch, got some berries for my second breakfast, killed about 25 minutes reading comics on the web before being dropped off at work by the Mrs at 8am (1 hour before I needed to be there) whereupon I fed the cats, unlocked the doors, made my second breakfast of berries and oats, made coffee, and read more webcomics while eating peanuts. It's strange when you've been up for three hours and it's still dark. Unnatural. I could have been spending that time sleeping, dreaming all those brilliantly weird and vivid dreams that come with the second sleep.


5th Feb 2018

my visit here's been nice, see the sights and the bright lights, you've been showing me around your town, and you know I know this is a better place to be, I know only too well I've been living like hell, in my tiny mental no-room quarters, dripping waters, private everything and nothing shared, my neighbours ain't too edifying and my landlady's getting scared

we've been sleeping soundly and waking up clear-heady getting ready going out and making headway, keeping our noses clean and our eyes dry it's an illusion that I have to try but I really have to try one week is only a holiday, it's where I go from now, where I spend the rest of the days that counts, am I really itching to get back to doomtown, is life more tasty without the special sauce or is it wiser to spend it all on the doss

between zen master and useless bastart, the line she is fine

what can I say, thanks for having me, thanks for putting me up and putting up with me, around here you just feel whatever you feel, I can only say it's been real, I might want to come and live here some time I might want to come to stay, what's that you say, do I have to go back right away? Give it another week, say?

Isolation (I know it's hardly Burns)

25th January 2018

you want fucking isolation
I'll show you isolation
I will make effort for those that are worth the effort
I'll be worth the effort for other people thereby.
So stand by.
It's your thing.

Stop this leaky old bus I want to get (back) on the big train

25th January 2018

This shite today: Theresa May Has Been Very Clear That She Will Take A Strong And Stable Look At Cryptocurrency

Just showing its face on the fucking news about this topic while having nothing of any content whatsoever to say on the topic because none of the vacuous cunts have any idea even about stuff far more basic than this, let's face it. Back in my day it was tories going "we really need to seriously look at the 'Techno Rave culture' because it's definitely a thing although we haven't a clue about it but threats! Threats!!" oh but enough from this old curmudgeon, eh.


24th January 2018

Claude is a man in his early forties. He's been crying for the last fifteen minutes or so, just bawling and sobbing uncontrollably. He feels good to get it out, though, the more he cries the lighter and more relieved he feels. He's been carrying so much around for so long, it's cathartic to just feel it all, finally. He's almost come to this point a few times in the last few days, he's been aware that it was coming, and he knew that once he let it out, it would just keep on and on. It's almost as though he was waiting for the right moment, when he could just get it out uninterrupted. He's going to give himself permission to feel fine about things after this, and make more effort for people who deserve it.

Fun things to do on holiday

30th December 2017

cut toenails
analyse self

The Overstuffed Suit

9th October 2017

Lazy is the way I would ultimately describe this one. Yes he's very organised, but that's the trick: he organises everything meticulously to accommodate his innate laziness. He projects an authentic air of efficiency, but he engineers efficiency by discarding three quarters of the work at hand. He relies on his management's lack of understanding of and generational apprehension at his technical role to get away with this, which he does. All the effort goes into managing their perceptions; to induce a perception that he's getting on with things in the most productive way possible, even though he mostly produces rationales to explain why things that, I know, could happen, don't. And he'll always do this because it's all he knows how to do. And he'll probably always get away with it because change doesn't come fast enough in organisations like that to overwhelm such passengers.

Had I lacked other options and not been able to move on, it would have been necessary to put a stop to him. I would have simply, quietly, got on with doing what I saw could and should be done, and by that let his bosses see how much better and simpler and more productive our team's work could be. He would have been the last to know. By then it would have been a fait accompli, a clearly better solution already in place, without anyone having had to put hand to pocket. He wouldn't have liked that but I'd have needed to do it.

Then what would have happened?

Country Without A Continent

28 August 2017

A country without a continent. A leader without a mandate. Without a plan. Without a clue. Without anything to bargain with, or anything to bargain for. The old jokes about us having the best country but the worst neighbours are not so funny, when you're only a twelfth of the population and the other eleven twelfths have politics that are foreign to you and your land, and you pretty much get whatever they vote for. And they are so stupid at voting. Theirs is a land of strange beasts, of working class tories, who vote for an elite that they seem to imagine themselves part of just by being born in that particular place. An elite that shits on them. And they keep lapping it up then holding out their bowls and voting for more. They elect to turn their backs on the world, expecting the world to beg them to reconsider. The world is simply turning its back on them. No surprise to anyone but them. They call it malice. This does not distract from their own malice. Except to each other. The country of the blind. We've got to get rid of them and get back on the winning side.

And a clueless opposition that, when he talks about Britain what he's picturing in his mind is England and he doesn't even seem to see the difference. When he says 'we can beat the Tories and UKIP across the country' he doesn't realise that the Tories and UKIP don't hold power across the whole country - unless the country he's talking about is England rather than Britain. When he says that Scotland couldn't have a separate EU deal from the rest of Britain because it would mean needing two separate legal systems he seems ignorant of the fact that there already are two separate legal systems. When he says that the SNP in our government should use their powers to mitigate the damage of Tory policies, in apparent ignorance of the ways in which they most definitely have done. As if that's what the Scottish Government is really there for anyway, and as if it's only right that they should be forced to use their resources in this way. He doesn't understand Scotland and what's more he doesn't give a fuck about us.


15th March 2017

Accept my sincere apology or fuck off
accidents will happen, we're so short of room here
We were bound to bump into each other
Sooner or later
Angry London woman
Angry London man
You know I meant no harm
And no harm was really done
So please accept my sincerest and heartfelt apology
Or go and fuck yourself
Angry London woman
Angry London man
Though on behalf of my wife my statements require some qualification
They're not like that south of the river

Recipe For (?)

4th May 2016

  1. Take two people and mix up their lives until you're not sure which bits came from one and which bits came from the other.
  2. This isn't an omelette recipe, nonetheless you can't make it without breaking a few eggs.
  3. Add careers, a home, responsibilities.
  4. Add laughter, tears, joy, sadness. You may struggle to balance these flavours correctly.
  5. Add children (optional - they are something of an acquired taste).
  6. Add happiness, if you can find it. If you don't manage to get hold of some, use drugs as a substitute.
  7. Either simmer long and slowly or flash in the pan. Don't leave unattended or it'll go up in smoke.
  8. If you make a complete mess of it stand on windowsill for 20 minutes, deciding whether to jump.


4th May 2016

I fucking hate dancing and all situations that aim to coerce me into participating in it. There's no freedom in dancing, it's all about conformity and swift harsh social ridicule, or at best ignorant ostracism, for anyone who doesn't conform to doing it the 'right' way. It's a bit like twitter.

An Idea Of You

19th April 2016

An idea of you had me stunned
I came a long way to be near you
Wanted always to be with you
Ignoring the parts of you I didn't like:
Like, you're really beautiful when you're not angry,
When you're not manipulating,
When you're un-judgemental,
When you're open minded,
When you're loyal.
That's the difference between my idea of you
And you

Outside The Window

18th April 2016

The small room has a skylight in the sloping ceiling. I can see blue sky, white clouds and the tops of tall trees swaying in the strong wind. They said it wouldn't, yet earlier it rained briefly, suddenly and torrentially, just as i was heading out on my bike. I had to go home and change, making myself late at the place i had to be. I put on my waterproofs and headed back out, the sun now shining again. I needed the waterproofs against the road spray anyway. It's mid April, we're riding in the etape in five days and just two days ago it snowed. We have no idea what the weather will be like or how it will affect outcomes. I have serious reservations about staying in this part of the world for much longer, where there is so much beauty, when the sun shines, but where warmth is rare and rain is frequent.

Things To Do

24th March 2016

Things to do around Inverness Always see someone you know in the Islands
Camp under a tree in Bught Park
See a film at Eden Court, eat Ritter Sport
Bike all the way round Loch Ness, 67 miles
Drink beer outside at the Castle Tavern and see the bus you just missed
Look for seals in the river
Hire a boat in Whin Park, have an ice cream
Try and grow potatoes
See a deer in the street at 6 A.M.
Ride the Mast
Drink coffee and code HTML at work
Get the opening times wrong at the art gallery
Swapping recipes with K in the Victorian Market
Walk up Ord Hill to the ruined fort, look at the firth and the town below you
Smoking in the snow outside the North Kessock Hotel, Saturday night
Hide in the boot to save £10 on a taxi
Run indoors on the treadmill, too wet and windy outside
Wonder whether there's something seriously wrong
Buy organic vegetables at a roadside trailer near the airport
Check the tyre pressures before the big drive south

Things to do around London Fresh tortelloni at Borough Market
Walk along the south bank
So many museums, so little time
Wonder where all the best things in Soho have gone
Wander off the path in Greenwich Park
Enjoy the view of the river and Wharf alongside the General
Fall over drunk in Parliament Square
Mind The Gap
Eat a double cheeseburger with everything except onions from the kebab shop in Lee Green
Get an espresso, just about anywhere
Do Not Feed The Pigeons
Avoid Oxford Circus
Beers among scary London women in a pub in the Cut
Stock up at See Woo
Drive over to Bluewater and return Christmas gifts, spend the money on something else, sushi in the food court
Check out how the house prices have risen: "Even Sydenham's out of our league"
Argue at cross-purposes over many drinks with the inlaws in the back garden in Orpington
Try and catch up with old friends, at least one or two of them
Be treated to smoked salmon, magic tricks and good bourbon in Hither Green